Urban Changes

After an hour of crying before school, it was time for Peyton to get out of the car with Maddox and head into school. I was already over it, but I put my mommy face on anyway. I have the most forced smile I have ever given while holding back my own tears. “Please Mama, they are so loud! I will be so good at school, Mama! How come I can’t do school with you anymore? Are you too busy now?”

Wow…..right through the heart.

After a few minutes, it’s obvious if I don’t get out, he isn’t getting out either. I make my way around to the other side, knees in a puddle (cherry on the top), pleading with him to please just walk into the school with his sister and I would be back in a few hours.

He is standing here in front of me with swollen eyes, tears streaming fast and faster, the cars are all piling up in the drop off (one brave mom even honked at me to hurry up), Maddox is losing her cool (she is very type A and doesn’t handle being late very well), and no matter how many times I tell him it will be fun he DOES. NOT. CARE. At this point, I’m not even sure I believe that!

“THAT’S IT”, I think to myself as I realize I need to collect my thoughts and make something happen, like NOW, because if this lady honks at me to move one more time, she’s going to get ALL of my crazy!

“Maddox, I love you! You can go inside!…………… Peyton, get in the car, we’re going home!”

He cried the whole way home…….so did I!

I felt like I failed.

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Papa & Peyton

I was still so upset when I walked in the door, but I had to do something, so I called the school. I don’t even know what I was expecting to come from this call, but while talking with the principle she offered to come outside and walk him into class, if I bring him back. She gives me a number to text if I chose to bring him back.

I honestly thought it might work, until I walked out into our dining room. There he was, pulling out all of his school curriculum, “Mama, I…I…want to do school here, with you. I love to be with you!” He says this in the cutest stuffy nose voice.

My heart is breaking for the both of us.

If I know one thing, I know, this isn’t the answer.

“Yes, buddy, you can stay. I want nothing more than to do school with you, too!” He wipes my tears away, kisses me on the cheek, and says, “thanks Mama, I really love you!”

This decision doesn’t come lightly for me. Everything we’ve been through in the last 6 weeks and.. BOOM, that’s it! Was it for nothing? I don’t think so. I think this was the only way I would see the whole picture. Peyton has never enjoyed playing with other kids. He’s good with older kids and adults. He even spent his fifth birthday party in his great grandma’s room because of all the kids. It’s not for him, not right now anyway.

I walked away, multiple times, listening to him cry for me while someone, he’s known for less than a month, holds him back from his mama; it goes against everything I am, everything I believe in, and everything he’s ever known.

I have been blessed in this life with the opportunity to be here, to grow their minds, nurture their hearts, and that’s what I intend to do, as long as they’ll let me!

Now to figure out how I will get that “me time” in with a full time kindergartner at home….

xoxo Cassey

 

 

 

 

One thought on “Urban Changes”

  1. Kudos mamma for doing what’s best for kiddo! I have two anxiety kids – I get it. It’s tough! The “so loud” comment hurt my heart – we deal with sensory sensitivities too – and it’s so hard for the kids. Good post – thank for sharing what had to be a difficult time for both of you.

    Liked by 1 person

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