Grace & Bribery

Yesterday was just as bad as the day before, if not worse, for both Peyton and I.

The night before last he asked if he could switch classrooms (this has already been suggested to me) because he has difficulties with the amount of chaos. Don’t get me wrong, his teacher is absolutely amazing, that aside, this is a tough group.

I walked my two littles into school in order to find out how I could go about putting the process into motion. As we’re sitting there, I can feel his anxiety rising by the second. It’s about to happen. I can feel it. One of the secretary’s asks us if I’d like her to call someone. I instantly said yes and shortly after, we went back with a women who has been working with him the last day or so.

We walk into her office and sitting against the wall are a few chairs from a table that was previously there. Peyton sits in the chair closest to the door, of course. After a short discussion she asks if she can keep him with her for the day.

I agree.

It’s time to leave.

His eyes are swollen, red, and as I stand up he begins to cry. “Mama, please don’t go! PLEASE JUST LET ME COME WITH YOU!!! I am fighting tears with everything I am, but I can feel myself losing this battle. I, reluctantly,  peel him off of me with her help to slip out. Tears rushing down my face, I can hear him crying all the way out of the building.

I am at a loss.

 

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Maddox, Peyton, and I on the first day of public school. 

It was now the next day and I had a plan. I woke him and started putting my plan into action. “Alright, buddy, we are going to get up and go to school today!” Instant tears. I tell myself to just keep going and, for once, sound super excited about shopping.”SO, I have to go birthday shopping tomorrow for your birthday and I will need to make a list, but I need your help to remember it! Okay?” He agrees. Yesssssss!“Okay, Candles, Presents, of course, ……”

We are now approaching the school, so far so good. Every time he started to get upset I would add something to the list or pretend I had forgotten something off the list (I’m a mom without coffee, it’s plausible). I stop the car. It’s time. I put my game face on. I unbuckle my seat belt as if I am putting on my invisible mommy armor. “OKAY….(I take a deep breath)…… Hugs! Kissy’s ! You will have the best day and don’t forget about my list!” His eyes begin to water. I can see it coming. I panic a little. I knew if I didn’t do something fast we were going down…..FAST! “GUESS WHAT? If you can go with Maddox into class like the strong boy I know you are, I will have a special surprise for you when you get home!”

Go ahead, roll those eyes, throw those hands up, I panicked. I am human, but most of all I am a mommy with a love for my baby only another mother can understand and I hate to see him struggle. I am still dealing with this, but I decided to allow myself grace, as we all should from time to time.

Peyton got out of the car, wiped his tears, held hands with his sister and waved me good-bye.

And, yes, in case you’re wondering, I have no guilt that bribe, it was 100% worth it!

xoxo Cassey

Kinder-Crying

Today was a rough one, to say the least.

I was patting myself on the back after having our daughters very first parent/teacher conference. They have only been in public school for a month. So these are the first tests I’ve received from public school. As a home school mom, I never stopped worrying about how much information they were retaining. I was nervous to hear.

She scored more than a year ahead. BREATHE.

I thought, “I did it”.

Mama & Peyton (1)

 

It’s now time for school to start. I walk my kinder to class (he is having a really hard time transitioning). He is already crying before we reach the door (like most days). The poor teacher knows he here; she meets us at the door. My mind is racing trying to think of anything to make him STOP CRYING. I am now sweating. Perfect. “Let’s take a seat” I suggest, hoping to spark some distraction in his little mind. Still crying, “NO, my tummy hurts, my head, & my leg hurts. I don’t think I can stay.” I flash my best ” concerned, but I believe your invisible hurts” face and force myself to pull it together. I gave him a kiss and a hug, stood up, let him know I would be back soon and I loved him. He’s now wrapped around my legs while she is trying to calmly pull him away, so I could leave. After about 45 seconds she had him. It was time for me to follow through, be strong, and leave. Almost out the door, I made a parenting 101 mistake. I looked back. I instantly felt 2 centimeters tall and wanted nothing more than to turn around and go get my baby. Instant regret.

I tried to fight the tears, but they were already there.I waited outside the classroom, out of sight, until the crying stopped and I could breathe again.

How do other moms do it? Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong? Is this harmful for my child? I don’t know. I’ll add these to the list of other answers I don’t have.

xoxo Cassey

Motherhood.

Motherhood. One word. One simple word. Yet it is the hardest thing I have ever attempted in my life. I say “attempting” because I am so far from perfect and I am still trying to figure all of this out. There are days when I feel like I’ve got a handle on it. Then there are the other 323 days that are well……Picture this, it’s a game of dodge-ball and I am the ONLY target! Arguments, tears, laughter, highs and lows, it’s all being thrown at me. Sometimes more than one at a time, and it’s up to me to distinguish the lows and be present in the highs. It isn’t as easy as it sounds.  I love being a mom, but never did I believe it would be this hard. Hard is both good and bad.

On those days I have “figured it out” I learned a thing or two…

  1. Be patient with your little humans, even if some are bigger than you, like mine.
  2. Take a time out. Sometimes when one or two of us are having bad days and we keep clashing; it’s bound to be a rough ride. Breaks give me clarity.
  3. Redirect the situation. As moms we have to be willing to be flexible. This was tough for me. I would usually try to stick it out as long as I could until I got so frustrated I’d stop all together. Once I notice things are getting heated I start planning my next move. This is usually a win. 
  4. LOVE THEM. STOP, hug your babies, ask them how their day was, invite them to make dinner with you, spend time with them, send them texts (if they are old enough), anything at all as long as they are feeling the love.

I do all of those things, but not without effort. Not without fails. Not without triumph. When my day is filled with household chores ( let’s be honest that’s full-time alone), doctors appointments, or a screaming child in a school drop off line ( that’s a whole other blog) because he’s decided he hates public school, I have to remind myself to stop and take a breath. To remember that no  matter how crazy they make me, these are my babes and no matter good or bad days they will KNOW I love them. You will never have a day bad enough you cannot love your children. I promise you that. The rest will wait.

Motherhood. Not so simple anymore. 100% worth it. Make the effort.

Xoxo Cassey

Time for some ME time

After over 5 years of homeschooling my kids are now in public school full time. It has been almost a month and I can’t seem to spend quality time on myself. Why is this? Is it the social stigma that is attached to stay-at-home moms. That we are basically housemaids with no other qualities other than household chores and raising children and if we take time we are selfish and  we are somehow not contributing to our families.

I have this little voice in my head telling me it isn’t okay to take time for myself. That because the kids are “working” in school and my husband is at work, I should also be “working” at home.

This is ridiculous. I spend most my days cooking, cleaning, making phone calls, doctors appointments, and whatever else is needed to keep our house running smoothly, yet I still can’t sit down to do anything for me without feeling guilty. I can only assume and hope I am not alone in this.

This is stopping today. I have dreams and goals, too. I truly believe society tells us our job is somehow unimportant because we don’t bring in a paycheck. As if raising strong, independent, well- rounded children to send off into the world is easy. It’s not.

I refuse to let this idea creep into my head ever again and neither should you.

It is time for YOU. Time to find something that makes YOU happy. Take it slow, like me, if you want. It’s not a race. Start with a bubble bath or 30 minutes of uninterrupted reading. It doesn’t matter  how frivolous it seems as long as it’s for you.  It can be challenging, but this is what I know, when we are happy  and content as women, as individuals, marriage and motherhood becomes a just a little bit easier. I don’t know about you, but easy has my name written ALL OVER IT.

So, whether or not there is laundry piled on your couch, like mine, or you have dishes in your sink, STOP! Leave it and take just 30 minutes for yourself. You deserve it. We deserve it. Let’s, together, stop listening to what others think and do something for ourselves.

xoxo Cassey

Life happens. Lets do it together.