Tag Archives: nerve pain

One limpy-gimpy step at a time

November 2nd, 2017, today’s the day, one year since my body decided to completely lose its shit for good -I’m sorry, but stay with me.

Over the past Month or so, my life has been full of all kinds of kid/friend/school drama, doggy hot spots -HORRIBLE, FYI-, leaky sinks, sick kids, so. many. appointments, and, oh yes, my new constant, pain!

Last I blogged, I told you about how I had been having some good days in between some bad ones. Long story short, I had THREE FULL WEEKS of almost no pain! It was unexplainably amazing. In the beginning, I was able to do lots of different exercises. No cardio, no lying flat on my back, no standing and bending backward, no diagonal movements with my right hip, slow hip shifts, and so on. That lasted about a week or so, and then, day by day it kept getting better and better. I wasn’t limping. I was doing jumping jacks (I hadn’t done any jumping in almost a year), jump rope, FULL ON cleaning dance parties with whichever kids found me cool that day (yep, that’s my jam), and almost any other exercises (including lying on my back) I wanted with some modifications here and there.

It was wonderful.

All of that ended 8 days ago. I never share while I’m in the middle of a flare (that’s a frequent word in my life now). It’s scary for me. It’s that simple.

This whole idea I’ve had about this pain just “going away” isn’t going to happen for me. It’s time for me to face the music. I went in to get a primary care doctor who then set me up with a pain management, and rheumatologist. No matter how long I’ve been in denial, it’s here to stay. I hate going to see new doctors or any for that matter, it gives me anxiety. Recently, I can only keep it together until they start asking me to describe the pain. I lose it every time. I get it out, but not without profusely apologizing for being a complete basket case a few thousand times first. Snot, tears, the works. I hate it and there’s no way to stop it, I’ve tied, it just happens. Let it flow.

This part of sharing is hard for me but also sort of cathartic, so here we go….

In the last 8 days, I’ve cried myself to sleep 3 times. I’ve canceled plans. I’ve ignored texts and facebook messages. Lashed out at my family and then cried around the corner. I feel bitter and angry. I get sad, really sad sometimes. The pain is changing, moving, and constant now. I’m on day 5 of a burning in my hips you can feel when the aching calms down, this pain is new. Day 3 of constant electrical zaps throughout my right SI joint, this is also new. Limping is back, of course. All the new pain is joining the old and nothing seems to be subsiding.

I feel defeated. It’s taking over my body and I can’t do a damn thing about it. The amount of guilt I feel for my husband and kids feels too much for me to handle at times. I don’t want this for them. I hate this.

I don’t know how to do life like this. Not yet, anyway.

I’m going to close now. I’m sorry for leaving this imperfect and unfinished. I’ve got nothing left for today.  I’m exhausted. I’m frustrated and I hurt. I always regret not sharing, after the fact but hey, I’m working on it.

I don’t know what this ever-changing life of mine has in store for me but, moving forward and embracing my new reality, one limpy- gimpy step at a time, is my only option at this point.

Thanks for reading

XOXO Cassey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just another part of my story

November 2, 2016, was a day that changed my life. Nerve pain, ever experienced it? It’s excruciating. Like having a barbed wire running throughout your entire butt and down your leg and every time you move your lower body, at all, it constricts, shredding and tearing everything it touches. There is no working around it,  you change your life for this kind of pain, not the other way around. It has completely orchestrated my life for nine and a half months now. I know it sounds dramatic but if you’ve experienced it, you understand!

I have Sacroiliac joint dysfunction and was told, from a recent MRI, I have bone marrow edema -this causes tons of swelling in the joint, and am in the process of meeting a rheumatologist because my sports medicine doctor is certain I have rheumatoid arthritis.

About a month ago something happened and the pain started subsiding, FAST. I didn’t care why. Still don’t, although, I wish I knew if it was something I did. I couldn’t believe it. I was sleeping more than 4 hours, I wasn’t in hardly any pain -I have had panic attacks at the thought of having to get into bed, I could get into my car in less than 5 minutes, walk at a normal pace -I have to walk REALLY slowly on the bad days, clean the house with no problems, and I was even getting to workout -my most very FAVORITE stress reliever.

THEN, about 2 weeks ago it started creeping back in.

I chose not to share any of this before because I, I guess I just hoped it would go away. I hate being pitied or treated like I can’t do anything. I am the one that takes care of everyone, everything, and I do NOT like to be treated like I can’t. Sharing this makes me feel incredibly anxious and vulnerable, but I’m hoping I can use this as an outlet when it’s all a little too much, and maybe, just maybe it will help someone else to know they aren’t going through it alone. Hell, maybe I won’t feel so alone either.

Now, it’s day to day. Yesterday was a great day, while the four before that were definitely worse. It’s incredibly frustrating, on top of physically and mentally exhausting.

I keep trying to make sense of it all. Like, how does God give me a husband, 3 children -one with a serious birth defect, another with awful anxiety- and then no way to physically care for them?

What’s the saying “God won’t give you more than you can handle”?

I think we need to have a conversation.

School is approaching fast, and it’s that time again, the boys have to get the oh-so-dreaded haircuts, bedtimes are getting back on track, Peytons homeschool curriculum is all set to go, and Ayden and Maddox are anticipating the first day of public school (Maddox has never had one and it’s been 6 years since Ayden has, it’s exciting).

BUT…..

……in the middle of it all, I am doing my very best to stay positive and take every good day I get as a blessing. It can be VERY difficult to find happiness and stay positive when you can’t make plans, schedule appointments, or even do just normal things like cleaning the house or go grocery shopping because you never know how you will feel that day. In my world, the anxiety that causes can be overwhelming all on its own. I get so tired of telling my family, “I’m sorry. I can’t.” It’s awful.

For me, I can’t dwell on those things because it can be really easy for me to stay there. In that dark place. So, in an attempt to stay out of it, I try to focus on the many blessings I do have; my husband (my best friend), three amazing kiddos, the ability to stay home with my babies, friends I wouldn’t trade for the world, and, most of the time, when I can keep a grateful heart, it doesn’t seem so bad anymore.

“Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Be thankful every day you get, no matter how hard it was. We survived and we’re only stronger because of it.

xoxo Cassey