November 2nd, 2017, today’s the day, one year since my body decided to completely lose its shit for good -I’m sorry, but stay with me.
Over the past Month or so, my life has been full of all kinds of kid/friend/school drama, doggy hot spots -HORRIBLE, FYI-, leaky sinks, sick kids, so. many. appointments, and, oh yes, my new constant, pain!
Last I blogged, I told you about how I had been having some good days in between some bad ones. Long story short, I had THREE FULL WEEKS of almost no pain! It was unexplainably amazing. In the beginning, I was able to do lots of different exercises. No cardio, no lying flat on my back, no standing and bending backward, no diagonal movements with my right hip, slow hip shifts, and so on. That lasted about a week or so, and then, day by day it kept getting better and better. I wasn’t limping. I was doing jumping jacks (I hadn’t done any jumping in almost a year), jump rope, FULL ON cleaning dance parties with whichever kids found me cool that day (yep, that’s my jam), and almost any other exercises (including lying on my back) I wanted with some modifications here and there.
It was wonderful.
All of that ended 8 days ago. I never share while I’m in the middle of a flare (that’s a frequent word in my life now). It’s scary for me. It’s that simple.
This whole idea I’ve had about this pain just “going away” isn’t going to happen for me. It’s time for me to face the music. I went in to get a primary care doctor who then set me up with a pain management, and rheumatologist. No matter how long I’ve been in denial, it’s here to stay. I hate going to see new doctors or any for that matter, it gives me anxiety. Recently, I can only keep it together until they start asking me to describe the pain. I lose it every time. I get it out, but not without profusely apologizing for being a complete basket case a few thousand times first. Snot, tears, the works. I hate it and there’s no way to stop it, I’ve tied, it just happens. Let it flow.
This part of sharing is hard for me but also sort of cathartic, so here we go….
In the last 8 days, I’ve cried myself to sleep 3 times. I’ve canceled plans. I’ve ignored texts and facebook messages. Lashed out at my family and then cried around the corner. I feel bitter and angry. I get sad, really sad sometimes. The pain is changing, moving, and constant now. I’m on day 5 of a burning in my hips you can feel when the aching calms down, this pain is new. Day 3 of constant electrical zaps throughout my right SI joint, this is also new. Limping is back, of course. All the new pain is joining the old and nothing seems to be subsiding.
I feel defeated. It’s taking over my body and I can’t do a damn thing about it. The amount of guilt I feel for my husband and kids feels too much for me to handle at times. I don’t want this for them. I hate this.
I don’t know how to do life like this. Not yet, anyway.
I’m going to close now. I’m sorry for leaving this imperfect and unfinished. I’ve got nothing left for today. I’m exhausted. I’m frustrated and I hurt. I always regret not sharing, after the fact but hey, I’m working on it.
I don’t know what this ever-changing life of mine has in store for me but, moving forward and embracing my new reality, one limpy- gimpy step at a time, is my only option at this point.
Thanks for reading